Subdivided We Stand Meets Marathon Man

Everybody Must Get Stoned

Behold, I bring you tidings of great joy -- only four chapters of Leviticus left, two of which shall be dispensed of forthwith.

Chapter 24 kicks off much the same way the last few chapters have.  Some stuff about sweet-smelling oblations, some mumbo-jumbo about 12 cakes covered in frankincense, a little advice on olive oil (no mention of whether God prefers virgin or extra-virgin, however.)

Then out of nowhere -- blammo!  Punishment of Blasphemy!

Now I leave it to you to decide just what constitutes blasphemy -- but where I come from, pretty much any instance of taking the Lord's name in vain is blasphemous.  So pretty much any use of "Oh my God!" or "Jesus Christ, the Pirates suck" or anything of that nature can be considered blasphemous.

So, what does God have to say about blasphemy?  Glad you asked.

In Chapter 24, Verse 10 we're told the story of a man who, in the course of a disagreement, cursed God's name.  God gives the following direct order to Moses:  "Let the whole community stone him.  Whoever blasphemes the name of the Lord shall be put to death."

I remind you once again of the underlying premise of this whole series -- I want all of you who choose to quote the Book of Leviticus when putting your various hatreds on display to begin following ALL of the rules of Leviticus, instead of picking and choosing the ones you like and ignoring the rest.

So, all of you who've ever let slip an "Oh my God" or a "Jesus H. Christ," line on up over there on the right.  We'll find the seventeen people left on the planet who HAVEN'T blasphemed to come on over and give you what's coming to you. 

Chapter 24 also includes the popular doctrine of "eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth."  I've heard this one coming out of the mouths of dozens of so-called Christians -- so let's check and see what Christ himself said on the matter, shall we?  (From Matthew Chapter 5, Verses 38 through 42)

"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."

Oh, that wacky Jesus!  What a liberal kook!

Chapter 25 offers some advice on planting your crops (give the field a rest every seventh year!  I'm no farmer, but I think there may be some merit to that one.)  It continues with something about a Jubilee  every 49 years, and some property laws that I'm sure aren't taught at Century 21 University.

Oh, and near the end, there's a little bit of good news for all you who long for the good old days.  Let's get the word on slavery from God himself, shall we?

"Slaves, both male and female, you may indeed posess!"

Whoo hoo!  Now if that doesn't sound like an argument for killing off those pesky minimum wage laws once and for all, I don't know what does.

In Which I Gloss Over Chapters 22 & 23

By Chapter 22, the Book of Leviticus appears to be winding down.  Golly, what fun we've had, right?

So many sinners to hate -- so many unclean to scorn.  Or put to death, as the case may be.

But Chapter 22 decides to tread over familiar ground.  Specifically, we're back to sacrifices -- this time, in the form of sacrificial banquets.  This being Leviticus, you can damn well be sure that a whole bunch of goats, lambs, oxen, and what-have-you are gonna buy it.

Also, in the Levitical tradition, there's gotta be a whole lot of people who are excluded from the banquet.  Let's see what we have...anyone who touches a corpse is out.  No argument there, although I doubt that, say, your average Wendy's maintains a policy that strict.  Lepers, sufferers of "a flow," the generally unclean -- you folks aren't invited.

Here's an interesting one -- anyone who has had "an emission of seed" must bathe before going near the sacrificial offerings.  Personally, I would think a good solid hand-washing would be enough, but Leviticus demands the whole 9 yards, so into the tub you go, you seed-emmitters you.

What can be said about Chapter 23 that hasn't already been said?

Well, we can say that a whole lot of you probably don't live up to its requirements.  For example, do you:

• Celebrate Passover with a feast, offering an oblation to the Lord each day?
• Do no work on the Sabbath?
• Sacrifice seven unblemished yearling lambs, one young bull, two rams and a whole menagerie of other stuff on the Pentecost?
• Mortify yourself on the Day of Atonement, it being the 10th day of the 7th month?

No.  You don't.  And for this, you should be cut off from your people. 

Or not.  Go ahead, pick and choose the parts of the Bible that suit your agenda.  It's fun, and in the case of your Falwell's and Robertson's, it's profitable too! 

By the way, what's up with Pat Robertson claiming to leg-press 2,000 pounds?  That boy's losin' it -- and not a moment too soon, as far as I'm concerned.

Who To Kill

By Chapter 20 of Leviticus, God has pretty much had it with you people.  No more pussyfooting around and simply calling sinners "unclean."

Nope.  In Chapter 20, we learn who, exactly, is wicked enough to be dispatched from this earth and sent to the fiery flames that await.

For the record, we are commanded by our Loving God to put the following people to death:

• Anyone who gives their offspring to Molech.  (This is the second time we're warned against this in Leviticus.  God must've seen this Molech cat as some serious competition.  God vs. Molech must've been the Cola Wars of the day.)
• Anyone who turns to mediums or fortune-tellers and follows their wanton ways.  (So when will Red State America be trodding up to Nancy Reagan's front door with torches and pitchforks?  Surely anyone who planned her own and her husband's day -- and by proxy, the course of an entire nation -- around the predictions of an astrologist should be the first one burned at the stake.  JUST SAY NO NOW, NANCY!)
• And since God is nothing if not thorough, the fortune-teller is to be put to death, too.  Take THAT, Sydney Omarr!
• Ever cursed your father or mother?  You, my friend, are to be put to death.  The line forms on the right.
• Anyone who commits adultery w/his neighbor's wife -- both partners get the axe.  Unfortunately, "neighbor" is never quite defined, so maybe you can work something out with that hottie a couple of blocks over.
• Banging your father's wife or your daughter-in-law?  Oh, you'd better believe that's a stonin'.
• (These next two go out as a long-distance dedication to PA's own hometown hottie, Senator Rick Santorum...)  Hot, sweaty, writhing man-on-man action?  Death.
• Carnal relations with an animal?  Not only does the offender die, but that dog/gerbil/horse/gecko/aardvark's gotta buy it, too.  So as Senator Rick would say, "Man on Dog" action clearly is right out.
• Man marries woman and her mother also?  Death.  (This must've been a big problem back in the day, since it comes up so often in Leviticus.  I think it's safe to say that these days, not many males would be too hep to marrying their mothers-in-law.)

Meanwhile, over in Chapter 21, we're dealing with the sanctity of the Priesthood...

Priests can't prepare a corpse for burial...blah blah blah....no bearing of the crown of the head...no shaving the beard...no marrying a prostitute....etc. etc.

Here's a good one -- a priest's daughter who loses her honor (i.e. fornicates i.e. has sex before marriage) shall be BURNED TO DEATH.  Now, I've known a handful of preachers' kids over the years, and let's just say that they're living on borrowed time at this point. 

The priest shall marry a virgin.  HAHAHAHAHAH.  Oh, Leviticus, you crack me up.  (In addition, the priest is not to marry a divorcee or widow.  I personally know a couple of very specific examples of clergy who have broken this particular rule.)

And finally, lest you think that it's just the fornicators and astrology-followers and Molech worshippers and man-on-doggers that piss God off, here's a list of "defects" which disqualify one from presenting an offering to God:

• Blind
• Lame
• Disfigured or malformed
• Crippled in foot or hand
• Humpbacked
• Walleyed
• Ringworm-infested
• Excema sufferers
• Those with hernias

All of this reminds me of a song we used to sing in Sunday School, that I have now amended to follow the rules of Leviticus.

Jesus loves the little children
all the little children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white
they are precious in his site.
Jesus loves the little children of the world.
Jesus loves the little children.
Most of the children of the world.
Except the humpbacked and the lame,
herniated or insane.
Jesus loves the healthy children of the world.

Leviticus Rules!

Chapter 19 ("Various Rules of Conduct") of Leviticus starts off, for the most part, with some actual reasonable suggestings for, you know, not being a jackass during your time on this planet.

For example, "revere your father and mother."  Now I can't quite say that I lived that as a teen, but now that I'm on the other side of the parenting game, a little reverence seems like a darn swell idea. 

There's some stuff in Chapter 19 about not picking your vineyard bare, or picking up grapes that have fallen.  Now I'm no farmer, although I'm the grandson of one, but these both seem like reasonable suggestions to me.

Don't steal.  Don't lie.  Don't rob your neighbor.  Don't curse the deaf or put stuff in the path of the blind.  Don't spread slander.  Take no revenge, cherish no grudge, don't bear hatred for your brother -- I'm down with all that stuff.

Don't breed domestic animals with others of a different species -- well, I have to admit that I'm with Bart Simpson here when I say, "God, schmod, I want my monkey-man."  But still, Chapter 19 is batting a solid .900, which is pretty good, Levitically speaking.

At this point, I was just about to give up on Chapter 19 providing any snark material.  Even the bit about the man who has carnal relations with a slave, who can then get off scot-free at the low low price of only one ram, well, even that seemed tame relative to some of the other Leviticus lunacy.

Oh, but then...the circumcision of the fruit.

Reading about the circumcision of the fruit reminded me all over again of the original point of this series -- which was to point out to all of you who love to quote Leviticus on the whole issue of homosexuality that there's a whole lot of other stuff in this particular book, and perhaps if you're only selecting bits of Leviticus that support your own pecadillos without embracing the book as a whole, then maybe you're being just a wee bit hypocritical.

So anyhoo, according to Chapter 19 verses 23 - 25, you are not to eat the fruit of a tree until it is circumcised.  How, you might wonder, does one circumcise a tree?  (And no, while many have compared yours truly to a mighty oak, we're talking about something else here.)  (Ok, maybe not a mighty oak -- more of a maple sapling.  Or maybe a just-sprouted weeping willow.  I regret bringing up the analogy, to be honest.)

According to Leviticus, a tree becomes circumcised after all the fruit it bears in its fourth year is sacrificed to the Lord.  So if you've partaken of fruit from a tree that's less than four years old, or from one whose fruit wasn't sacrificed after its fourth year, then shame, shame, shame you naughty kitten.

Oh, but its verses 26 through 28 that ought to make some of you scratch your head. 

Do you eat meat with blood in it?  Do you clip your hair at the temples or trim the edges of your beard?  (Ladies, this goes for you, too...)  And most importantly -- do you have one or more tattoos?

If so, then you, my friend, are not living up to the Lord's standards.

Continuing on...don't make your daughter a prostitute, seems fair enough...don't go to mediums or fortune-tellers (ever read your astrological forecast?  I'm thinking that's a no-no). 

Stand up in the presence of the aged and show respect for the old -- ok, down with that.

And here's one for those of you who are working yourselves into a lather over illegal immigration -- "When an alien resides with you in your land, do not molest him.  You shall treat the alien who resides with you no differently than the natives born among you.  Have the same love for him as for yourselves, for you too were once aliens..."

Thus ends wacky Chapter 19.  Only eight more to go.  Thank Jehovah.

(By the way, I know I've noted it before, but Brucker's excellent "Annotated Skeptic's Annotated Bible" does an excellent job of looking at the bible with a, well, skeptic's eye, but from the point of view of a believer.  He has recently added some invaluable comments to some of my older entries in this series as well.) 

Who Not to Nail

Disclaimer:  Blah blah blah, I'm an God-hating infidel, blah blah blah, reading the following will ensure that your soul gets fast-tracked to hell at the split second of your death, blah blah blah, War on Christmas, blah blah blah.

Chapter 17 of Leviticus picks right up where the previous 16 left off -- with animal gore a-plenty.  Nothing new here, really, other than some stuff about partaking in blood.

To wit:  "Since the life of every living body is its blood, you shall not partake of the blood of any meat."

If you're like me, and enjoy a nice big slab of prime rib cooked medium rare once or twice a year, then I'm sure the above comes as a disappointment.

Now then, on to Chapter 18 -- which contains the bit about homosexuals that your fundies love to quote.  (They don't seem to get as worked up about people who eat shrimp, or women who don't burn their furniture after every visit from Aunt Flo.)

Chapter 18 gives us a nice big laundry list of who not to sleep with.  In total, it's dull.  I'll try to spice it up by substituting popular television sitcom characters to illustrate the relationships that are right out.

1. D.J. Connor may not sleep with Roseanne Connor.
2. Opie Taylor may not sleep with Helen Crump.
3. Alex P. Keaton may not sleep with Mallory Keaton.
4. Arnold Jackson may not sleep with Kimberly Drummond.
5. Peter Brady may not sleep with Jan Brady.
6. Cliff Huxtable may not sleep with Olivia Whatever Her Last Name Was.
7. Grandpa Munster may not sleep with Marilyn Munster. 
8. (Drawing a blank here -- "Daughter whom your father's wife bore to him."  And they don't mean sister -- I think we're talking half-sister here.)
9. D.J. Connor may not nail Jackie Connor.
10. Michael Barrone may not sleep with Amy Barrone.
11. Steve Douglas may not do the deed with Katie Douglas.
12. Herbert Simpson may not sleep with Marge Simpson.

That's it for our laundry list of no-relation relations.  But wait, there's more.  And I expect that many of you will be as disappointed by this next one as I am...

• You may not sleep with a woman and also her daughter.  Dammit, there goes my Judds fantasy, right out the window.
• If you're wife is still living, you shall not marry her sister.
• No sex while she's "unclean" from menstruation.  Yeah, right.
• Your neighbor's wife is right out. 
• No offering your children to be immolated to Molech.  (Look it up.)
• Carnal relations with an animal?  Neigh.
• And finally, the single most beloved line from Leviticus, and I shall recreate it here and let you draw your own conclusion (although I would suggest that you regard it within the context of everything else we've learned in Leviticus):  "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; such a thing is an abomination."

---
Totally Unrelated Update:  Today marks the beginning of a new storyline in Mary Worth.  If you've been waiting to dive in, now's your chance.  Here's all you need to know -- Mary is a meddlesome old biddy who lives in a gated community called Charterstone.  The blonde chick is Toby Cameron, who also lives in the complex, and who probably has some sort of complex from being married to Ian Cameron, a neck-bearded English professor at the local community college who is seemingly about 40 years older than Toby.  And that's really all you need.

Never Mind the Bullocks, Here's Leviticus

Disclaimer for the humor-impaired, as well as those with a stunning obliviousness to the obvious:  "I Read Leviticus So You Don't Have To" is in no way, shape or form meant to be an objective analysis of the Book of Leviticus.  The author is by no means a biblical scholar, and brings virtually no insight to what is, by any objective measure, a work that to be generous is open to multiple interpretations.  Instead, the author selects certain elements of the book, presents them out of context, and then goes for the cheap laugh.  The cheapest, cheapest possible laugh.  "I Read Leviticus..." is therefore clearly an abomination, if not to the Lord, then at a minimum to all right-thinking peoples everywhere.  It is our sincerest hope that the author be stricken with a horrid affliction, as rapidly as possible, for it is clear that he is an asshole of the highest magnitude.

There.  I hope that satisfies my new pen-pal.

When last we left Leviticus, we were awestruck at the stunning numbness it had instilled into our brains.  In between snapping off the heads of four calling birds, three french hens, two turtledoves, and Keith Partridge, we learned a whole lot about lepers, menstruating women, people who eat at Red Lobster, and guys with stuff oozing out of their weiners.  Specifically, we learned that all of the above are unclean -- although you probably would've figured that last bit out on your own.

Today we dig in with Chapter 16, which kicks off with the news that Aaron's two sons have kicked off.  This interests me greatly -- specifically because I recall being cast as Aaron in a Sunday School play, round about fifth grade. 

It was a part that interested me greatly, because a quick glance at the first few pages seemed to hold the promise that the role was going to be significant, with a lot of lines.  (Even then I was a bit of an attention whore.)

Real early in the play, we learn that Moses isn't much of a public speaker, and that God is sending Aaron along to be Moses' spokesperson.  You'd think that would translate into a lot of lines for yours truly, no?

Well, no.  If I was an Aaron, I guess I was more of a mediocre Tommy as opposed to a Hammerin' Hank.  I believe my one line was "I will help you, Moses," after which I pretty much remained silent for the rest of the play.

I don't think it matters, though, since I can't recall that we ever performed the thing in public.

Anyway, in Chapter 16, Aaron's boys have been sent to the big burning bush up in the sky, and God is giving Moses instructions for Aaron's return to the temple.

First things first -- if Aaron's going to temple, God wants him to look his finest.  So like an omnipotent Bob Mackie, the big cheese spells out what Aaron is to wear.  Let's just say there are linens a-plenty.

And this being Leviticus, you'd better believe some animals are gonna die.  This time around, Aaron is told to bring a bullock (which Websters defines as either a castrated steer or a young bull) and two goats for offering.

The bullock is the first to get offed, followed by one of the goats.

Surprisingly, the second goat is spared, but since it is deemed "the scapegoat," I think you can pretty much guess that good things are not in store for goat #2.

No, I imagine that Mr. Scapegoat is pretty much envious of his dead pals, the bullock and the other goat, after Aaron is instructed to confess all of the sins, faults and transgressions over it -- thereby putting all of that sinning onto the goats head.  The goat (and the transgressions) are then sent out to wander alone (also known as "dying") in the desert.

The man who leads the goat away is instructed to bathe and to wash his garments in water before returning, which I imagine he planned to do anyway, if only to wash away the evidence of his dinner -- which likely consisted of a little dish I like to call "goat and transgression stew."

That's pretty much it for Chapter 16, except for a small bit at the end that compels everyone to fast on the 10th day of the seventh month, which I'm sure all of you Leviticus-obedient fundies do.  Right?

While My Guy Parts Gently Seep

God said, to Moses
if the skin is splotchy, splotchy,
the hair, turns white,
where the sores turn blotchy blotchy!
Then kick...those....lepers (clap!)
right in...the crotchy, crotchy.
Children...of the...lord.

I'm giving serious consideration to changing the title of this series.  "I Skim Leviticus So You Don't Have To" has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

Seriously.  When I started this series, I thought we'd kick back, have a couple larfs, mock a few people's deeply held convictions -- you know, the kind of snarky, irreverent fun that's so popular with the kids these days.

Turns out, there's a problem with that, and it's this -- Leviticus is dull.  Deadly, mind-numbingly dull.  Dances With Wolves dull.

Nonetheless, we are making progress.  Let's dig in today with Chapter 13 and the ever-so-sexy topic of Leprosy.

I could give you a rundown on the entire "if-then-else" tree of determining if a splotch is leprosy, but I think the following sums it up nicely:

If it's blotchy but white,
you're prob'ly all right.
White hair, splotchy
and pus that is yella --
why, what ya got
is leprosy, fella!

Fortunately, Chapter 13 isn't all grim -- there's good news in there for chaps like myself who are, shall we say, follically challenged.  And I quote:  "When a man loses the hair of his head, he is not unclean merely because of his bald crown. (The previous sentence pleased me -- the next one even more so, since it's a pretty accurate description of my own fading hairline.)  So, too, if he loses the hair on the front of his head, he is not unclean merely because of his bald forehead."

I think I speak for all of my balding brethren when I say, and you may quote me on this, "Whew!"

However, my chrome-domed compatriots, I should warn you that if you ARE experiencing either of the above conditions and also have a pink sore on your head, well pally -- you're a leper.  And it gets worse.

So far in Leviticus, pretty much every abominable act or condition that you can imagine has been easily absolved at the cost of a couple of snapped turtledove necks, or by offing a lamb or two.  But for you, you balding leper you (and I'm aware that "balding leper" may be slightly redundant), there is no penitance.  Your only option is to, and I quote, rend your garments, bare your head, muffle your beard, and cry out "Unclean! Unclean!"

Serves you right, you bald-headed bastard.

Chapter 14 delves into the purification rites one must go through after a bout with leprosy.  By now it should come as no surprise that the penalty is going to end up costing a few turtledoves to get their heads snapped off.

Ahh, Chapter 15. 

Personal Uncleanness.

I think it's safe to say that Chapter 15 opens up with the single most obvious statement in the bible:

"Every man who is afflicted with a chronic flow from his private parts is thereby unclean."

To which I can only add:  "No shit."

The bed, clothing and furniture of said unfortunate fellow?  You'd better believe THAT'S unclean.

If said fellow spits on you, Leviticus points out that you ought to wash your garments and bathe.  For once, I think the Book of Leviticus is guilty of being a little too understated.  If some oozing-wanged wanker hawks a loogie on you (and don't ask me how you're going to know that he's oozing -- let's just assume for the sake of argument that somehow this information is made available to you), then the Subdivided We Stand recommendation is to go home and soak in a boiling vat of Listerine for a minimum of a day.

Here's one that's sure to hit home for at least a couple of you -- if a man has an "emission of seed," you're unclean until the next evening, brother.  I think it's safe to say that the vast majority of us males spent just about every day of our teenaged lives "unclean."

And don't think that we've forgotten about you ladies.  You chicks are impure for a whopping seven days a month.  Anything you sit on, lie on, or wear?  Well, that's unclean.  Pretty much anything that comes within your line of sight for a full week is unclean.

Needless to say, any man who, and I quote, "dares" to lie with you during your unclean-ness, well, he's unclean for seven days, too. 

And just in case you're thinking that you can put up with seven days of uncleanness in order to get a little lovin', rest assured that it'll cost you, brother.  In addition to your uncleanness, you'd better stock up on some turtledoves, 'cause it's de-nogginizing time!

So what have we learned today?

We've learned that Leviticus makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out.

We've also learned that I'm a wimp, because I edited out a mostly-unfunny joke here at the end in order to hopefully maintain my status as "not a COMPLETE a-hole" with my female readership.

Woman -- I Can Hardly Express, My Deep Revulsion at Your Un-Cleanness

Oh, you dirty, dirty, sinful women.

Specifically, you dirty, sinful pregnant women.

Chapter 12 of Leviticus digs in on the Uncleanness of Childbirth.  Listen up, you mothers of sons -- you're unclean for seven days after delivering your little bundle of joy (with "the same uncleanness as at your menstrual period," natch.) 

But don't think life's all peaches and cream after a week, you naughty thing you -- you're going to have to go another 33 days before you can touch anything sacred, or enter the sanctuary.  (It is this 33-day period that is the inspiration for the mysterious "33" on the back of the Rolling Rock bottle -- since Rolling Rock is, in fact, sacred, that "33" was placed on the bottle as a warning to any unclean mommy who has a hankerin' for something from the glass-lined tanks of Old Latrobe.)

But, you ask, what about women who give birth to girls?

Good question.  You, mrs. girly-mom, are DOUBLY unclean.  14 days of uncleanness, and 66 days in the penalty box before you're purified enough to join the rest of us in regular society.

Chapter 12 also reminds us of the importance of snipping off that unsightly foreskin on your male children.

Which begs the question -- if God didn't want us to have that bugger on the end of our wangs, why did He put it there in the first place?

----
I had intended to do Chapters 13 - 14 tonight, as well -- but, well, you know....STEELERS!  WHOOOOO!

Purity of Essence, or Cud Chewers of the World - Unite and Take Over

When last we left Leviticus, we were bored to tears by endless iterations of the various factors that require the snapping off of a turtledove's head as atonement.

Thankfully, things start to pick up again in Part III: Laws Regarding Legal Purity.

Chapter 11 kicks in with some general guidelines regarding what to eat.  Turns out, your local Giant Eagle or Wegmans is shrink-wrapping a whole lot o' sin and selling it to you, the unclean.

Leviticus is good enough to break down your various animals into a neat little taxonomy, so let's follow along, shall we?

For starters, you've got your "land animals."  First a general rule:  You can chow down to your heart's content on any cloven-hooved animal that also "chews the cud."  For those of you keeping score at home, here's where some of your favorites fall on that measure:

• Camel -- while these tasty little buggers indeed chew the cud, they have no hooves, so no.
• Rock Badger -- again, while I'm sure the rock badger is delicious, and they do chew cud, these guys lose out on the "hooves" requirement.
• Rabbit -- ditto.  Tough break, paella fans.
• Pig -- turns out, those ribfests that roll through town about twice a week during the summer months are nothing more than traveling caravans of uncleanliness -- and I'm not just talking about featured performers Foghat and Molly Hatchet.  Nope, God's most versatile food source, giver of ham and bacon and sausage and pork and bacon and scrapple and ribs and bacon and bacon is a tubby, oinking delicious wad of uncleanliness.  But that's because it doesn't chew cud and has nothing to do with the fact that pigs basically spend their entire lives rolling around in their own shit.

As for your "water animals," here's a general guideline -- if it's in the seas or rivers and has both fins and scales, have at it.  If it crawls in the water, or lacks either fins or scales, then that's "loathsome," pally, and so are you if you eat it.  I expect to see some of you fundamentalists picketing outside of your neighborhood "Red Lobster" any day now -- I mean c'mon, your favorite book, "Leviticus," is calling crustaceans unclean, and you guys are all for wiping out the unclean, right?

Look!  Up in the Sky!  It's a bird -- it's a plane -- no, wait, it's just a bird.  But just say "Bye Bye Birdie" if it's one of the following, which are all unclean:

• Eagle
• Vulture
• Osprey (NOTE: It's still righteous and God-fearing to pay billions of dollars for tilt-rotor aircraft NAMED "Osprey," however -- even if the farkers don't fly.)
• Falcons
• Crows
• Owls
• Storks
• And something called the "hoopoe."  I personally would advise anyone visiting West Virginia against eating a "Hoopie," as well, and also due to "uncleanliness."

I know you've all been out there dying to find out which insects get big ups from God as far as being ok to eat.  Well wait no longer, here's your guideline: any insect that walks on all fours is out -- unless it has jointed legs for leaping.  That little provision opens the door for locusts, grasshoppers (the insect, not the delicious but deadly Nabisco cookie), katydids, and crickets.  Everything else is right out.

What about ground swarmers, you ask?

Well, I'm glad you asked.  The following are downright icky in God's eyes:  Rats, mice, gecko, chameleons, skinks, moles -- and sorry, "Wall of Voodo," but your dream of going South of the Border and chowing down some barbequed iguana is out of the question.

And that's about it for your unclean foods.  Should any of the above fall into any of those clay vessels you have hanging about, then you've gotta bust your vessel.  Drinking out of a vessel that had an unclean creature in it?  Well, you'd better believe that's unclean.

Next time, our labors shall take us into what Leviticus sees as one of the most unclean activities of all -- childbirth.

Membraniac

A few months ago, I started what I figured would be an ongoing feature of this blog -- namely, a series titled "I Read Leviticus So You Don't Have To."  I figured that I'd make a whole bunch of snarky comments about the Old Testament chapter that everyone loves to quote, but which seemingly no one has read in it's entirety.

For example, much of the scripture that your religious types use as justification for hating gays stems from Leviticus.  But there's a lot of other stuff in there too -- stuff like burning your furniture if a menstruating woman sits on it, or the classification of the eating of shellfish as an "abomination."  My point was and is, if you're going to live by Leviticus, you'd better be prepared to accept it as a whole, lest ye be a hypocrite, which I'm sure is classified as an abomination somewhere in there.

So I went ahead and did one entry -- which turned out to be my single most popular entry ever.  It was cool.

And then, in typical fashion, I dropped the ball for the next four months.  Most of the blame falls on the work project from hell, which consumed my entire autumn -- but I suspect that I also put off the subject because the next six chapters of Leviticus are exceedingly dull.  Most deal with ritual offerings -- and frankly, once you've read about one turtledove's neck being snapped and the blood splashed onto the altar, you're probably read all there is that's worth reading on the subject.  Yet Leviticus keeps offering up turtledove's heads, ripe for the snapping. 

Chapter after chapter, we learn about removing fatty membranes, removing fatty tails, burning fatty fats, etc.  (At one point, we learn that it's an abomination to eat the fat of the ox, sheep or goat, which I'm sure comes as terrible news to you gyro enthusiasts out there.  That's one big rotating lump of sin there in those gyro stands.)

In Chapter 5, we learn that it's a sin to refuse to give info regarding something one has seen or learned.  Now you know why Karl Rove HAD to out Valerie Plame -- why, otherwise, he would've had to have brought one of his female goats or lambs to the Lord!  (Unless, of course, he couldn't afford to give up a lamb.  Leviticus makes provisions for the underprivileged, offering them the option of instead sacrificing two turtledoves or pigeons.)

Elsewhere in Chapters 5 - 10, we discover that we shouldn't oughta be eating the fat of an animal that dies a natural death.  Bad news here for just about anybody who eats meat here in the U.S., since our factory farms have long been in the habit of grinding up dead cows and mixing them into their cow feed.  Mmm, cannibalistic cow....

Chapter 8 deals with ordination.  Moses slaughters a ram, puts some blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, on the thumb of his right hand and the big toe of his right foot, splashes some more blood on the altar, gives Aaron thirty-seven swats on the rear with a wooden panel with the mysterious engraving "Alpha Tau Omega," then forces him to drink seven beer bongs in a row. 

Chapter 9 -- blood, fat, fatty blood, bloody fat, fatty fatty blood blood, etc.

Chapter 10 -- in which we learn the heartwarming tale of Nadab and Abihu, two of Aaron's sons who decide to spice up their offering with a little incense, which incenses God enough to have them consumed in fire.  Nice guy, that God of Leviticus.  Always has your back.

Ok, we've now waded through the dull parts.  Chapter 11 begins the "Laws Regarding Legal Purity," which is where the real fun of Leviticus kicks in.  C'mon back next Monday, and we'll learn just which insects are unclean, and which ones you can chow down on to your heart's content.  (Here's a hint -- bees, no; crickets, yum.)

----
By the way, one of the very coolest things about my first Leviticus post was that several folks who rightly could've been offended seemed to enjoy it.  One fellow is doing a similar project, albeit without the snarky commentary.  Check out the Annotated Skeptic's Annotated Bible.